The Christmas Trap

Twas the Night before Christmas I was up on the roof
Setting up traps for an unsuspecting hoof

When I heard a tiny jingle from off in the night
I knew that Santa would soon be in sight

As I turned to run and hide my feet slipped out
I fell on my ass and let out a big shout

I looked down in horror, in slow motion I watched
as one of those traps slapped shut on my crotch

As pain shot through me in flashes of white
Every felt every muscle spasm and go tight

As I lay on my side, I tried to cry out
The pain was too much, I only passed out

When I came to, I was nauseous and wet
I opened my eyes and broke out in a sweat

Eight freaking reindeer were pulling a big sleigh
And I laid there too weak to get out of the way

It seemed each hoof struck me true
My whole frickin' body was black and blue

For just an instant I thought it was done
Then I realized the runners were yet to come

After they passed, I felt such a relief
There was nothing left to face but my misery and grief

"On Dancer On Prancer", I heard Santa call
Then the snow gave way and I started to fall

Over the side I went and the traps chains went tight
Again the pain shot through me in flashed of white

A little girl was screaming but where she was I could not see
Then I realized it was just an echo, the scream was from me

I swung there like a pendulum hanging by my crotch
The crowd that gathered just stood there and watched

Then off in the distance I could hear Santa Call
"To all a good night and Merry Christmas to all"