To Kill a Vampire

(I must admit that the story of the following poem was not my idea, but my real father's. He wrote a short story once about this. Many years later and from memory, I re-wrote it to rhyme for a poem.)

The mansion loomed before us, outlined against the sky
Our spines were chilled, and our hearts were filled
With fear of going inside

We had only a short time, before the sky turned gray
When the creature of the night, spreads its wings in flight
in its search for human prey

As we reached the castle's door, my assistant rang the bell
I was filled with fright, my throat went tight
I shouted "What the Hell!"

The last thing I wanted, was to announce that we were there
To sneak into its keep and kill it in its sleep
was enough for me to bare

I smack him upside the head and tell him to open the door
So he opened it wide and stepped inside
To face whatever was in store

So much time had passed by, when we entered into a room
I caught my breath and went as cold as death
For there was Dracula's tomb

A coffin made of stone, all covered in a layer of dust
My knees were shaking, my nerves were breaking
but remove that lid we must

With a glance out the window, a chill went down my spine
The sun was sliding down, barely above the ground
We were running out of time

With a firm grip upon the lid, we lifted with all our might
With all of our strain, it was simple and plain
The cover was holding tight

So I spat upon my hands, to get a better grip
My assistants cries were not a surprise
For I let the stone cover slip

His fingers I saw were trapped, by the heavy lid of stone
I was sick with despair, In God I do swear
I could hear the crushing of his bones

I couldn't lift the heavy stone, There was no other way to choose
My arms around his chest, I put my strength to the test
And pulled until his fingers popped loose

My assistant had passed out cold, and I really needed a rest
I leaned on the lid and the whole thing slid
SO I reached out and pressed

With ease the cover did move, I was almost too scared to look
So I shoved it open wide, and took a peek inside
and found it filled with books

So I ran to the window, and acknowledged my defeat
As the creature of the night, spread its wings in flight
From the house across the street

The Christmas Trap

Twas the Night before Christmas I was up on the roof
Setting up traps for an unsuspecting hoof

When I heard a tiny jingle from off in the night
I knew that Santa would soon be in sight

As I turned to run and hide my feet slipped out
I fell on my ass and let out a big shout

I looked down in horror, in slow motion I watched
as one of those traps slapped shut on my crotch

As pain shot through me in flashes of white
Every felt every muscle spasm and go tight

As I lay on my side, I tried to cry out
The pain was too much, I only passed out

When I came to, I was nauseous and wet
I opened my eyes and broke out in a sweat

Eight freaking reindeer were pulling a big sleigh
And I laid there too weak to get out of the way

It seemed each hoof struck me true
My whole frickin' body was black and blue

For just an instant I thought it was done
Then I realized the runners were yet to come

After they passed, I felt such a relief
There was nothing left to face but my misery and grief

"On Dancer On Prancer", I heard Santa call
Then the snow gave way and I started to fall

Over the side I went and the traps chains went tight
Again the pain shot through me in flashed of white

A little girl was screaming but where she was I could not see
Then I realized it was just an echo, the scream was from me

I swung there like a pendulum hanging by my crotch
The crowd that gathered just stood there and watched

Then off in the distance I could hear Santa Call
"To all a good night and Merry Christmas to all"

Santa's Last Stop

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

I was fast asleep when there came a loud crash
So I went to the window and I threw open the sash

The sight that I saw really made my day
There were eight bloody reindeer heaped on a sleigh

I laughed so hard all the way to the door
More than once I fell to the floor

It was apparent right away all the deer were dead
So immediately I turned and went to the sled

Again I smiled for there was no cause for alarm
All the presents were safe, out of the way of harm

So I went back inside to warm up in the heat
Then I snatched up a knife to cut up some meat

I was just finished gutting three of the deer
When I heard a faint moan from somewhere near

I flipped over the sleigh and to my surprise
Santa wasn't dead, he was just paralyzed

So I rolled up my sleeve and I showed him my new watch
"I WANTED A ROLEX" I shouted, then I kicked him in the crotch

To this very day his last words ring in my head
He whispered "Please don't bury me, I'm not dead!"

Christmas Catastrophe

A humorous Christmas Poem in the light of "Twas the Night Before Christmas"

Twas the day before Christmas and all through the compound
All the elves were hustling and running around
Trying to pack all the toys on the sleigh
Hoping to get me off and away

When at last it was time, the sleigh was so full
It was almost too much for the reindeer to pull
Then finally we were moving and about to take off
When suddenly Rudolph let out a big cough

His eyes glazed over and his heart seemed to burst
He went down in a tumble and then things got worse
I pulled hard on the reigns but was a little too late
There wasn't a chance to save the other eight

I saw on their faces a look of dismay
As I watched each reindeer pulled under the sleigh
The sounds of bones snapping was all I could hear
The screams and cries of nine tiny reindeer

The elves could do nothing but stand there and stare
As my sleigh flipped up and spun through the air
As luck would have it I was thrown out of the way
But the poor little reindeer were tied to the sleigh

I landed safely but to my despair
There was only a trail of blood, guts and hair
At the end of that trail all there was to see
were eight mutilated reindeer staring back at me

There was Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Comet
The grizzly sight made me turn and vomit
Never in my life have I felt so stupid
As when I realized that I threw up on Cupid

I turned and tripped over the body of Blitzen
and fell face first into the remains of Vixen
Donner was in pieces all over the ground
but that damned Rudolph was nowhere to be found

All of my thoughts became but a blur
My blood and my anger began to stir
I picked up an antler with intentions to kill
and I followed his trail up and over a hill

Then when I found him I couldn't help but to feel sad
Looking at his still carcass I really felt bad
Then I stuck the antler right through Rudolph's head
Just to make sure that bastard was dead