Santa Might Die Tonight

This is another installment of Christmas songs I am rewriting. Yes we are back to fixing my voice. :o) I do not claim to have a good singing voice and in this case it came in handy.

NOTE - Clicking the Title will open a new window to the "Kingdom of Ken" MySpace page where you can play the song. You may have to choose the song as well as wait a moment for the song to start playing.

Santa Might Die Tonight
(To the tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus")

Santa: “Ho Ho Ho, How we doing up there Rudolph?”
Rudolph: “Lose some weight! You’re killing us up here fat ass!”
Santa: “Ho Ho Ho, Son of a bitch, I’m out of scotch! Hey Rudolph there’s a 7-Eleven. Let’s hit it before we pass it.”
Rudolph: “Oh my God! I better be paid double time for this fat man!”

Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
He’s Going to fast to land
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
He’s pulling on the reins
Santa’s screaming, I must be dreaming
Its one chaotic sight
Forget your stockings and say your prayers
Cause Santa might die tonight

Santa: “Holy mother of Pearl! We’re coming in too steep! Pull it up Rudolph. Pull it up!”
Rudolph: “I think I pulled something. I can’t lift you. I… Aaaahhhhhhh” (Crash)

I saw Santa Claus
I saw Santa Claus
Crash on Christmas eve
I saw the bag that is filled with toys
Being crushed inside the sleigh
Hear those Reindeer breaking legs
Oh What a horrible sight
Jump in bed, cover up your head
Cause Santa might die tonight

Santa: “Rudolph. Are you okay Rudolph? Are you there?”
Rudolph: “Yea, I think I’m gonna live Santa. I’m okay.”
Santa: “ That… that’s good. Because when I get a hold of you, I’m gonna kill you. You little son of a bitch! You ruined my sleigh! You ruined my sleigh you little son of a bitch, I’m gonna kill you! Ohhh, I can really use that scotch.”

I Fell On My Bum

This is another installment of Christmas songs I am rewriting. Yes we are back to fixing my voice. :o) I do not claim to have a good singing voice and in this case it came in handy.

NOTE - Clicking the Title will open a new window to the "Kingdom of Ken" MySpace page where you can play the song. You may have to choose the song as well as wait a moment for the song to start playing.

I Fell On My Bum
(To the tune of "Little Drummer Boy")

Someone help me
Pa rum bum bum bum
I think I sprained something
Pa rum bum bum bum
While I was shoveling
I fell on my bum
I lay here suffering
From pain in my bum
rum bum bum bum
rum bum bum bum

Someone help me
Pa rum bum bum bum
Call 911

Like a baby
Pa rum bum bum bum
I need a band aid too
Pa rum bum bum bum
I think I skinned my knee
Pa rum bum bum bum
I’m really suffering
From pain in my bum
rum bum bum bum
rum bum bum bum

Kiss the boo boo
Pa rum bum bum bum
On my bum

I saw Billy
Pa rum bum bum bum
Mrs Biggleworths kid
Pa rum bum bum bum
He kick me when I was down
Pa rum bum bum bum
I’d like to beat his ass
But I injured my bum
rum bum bum bum
rum bum bum bum

That brat laughed at me
Pa rum bum bum bum
Me and my bum

"Come on Billy, it’s not funny anymore man. I’m in a lot of pain. What are you doing Billy, aw come on, don’t… don’t you throw that snowball Billy. I will kick your ass…" (Thump) "Aw you son of a bitch! You pull one more stunt like that Billy and I’m gonna pull myself over there, throw you over my knee and beat your little… Billy…Billy what are you doing with that shovel… Billy, put that shovel… Billy" (Clank)

Can I Buy You a Drink

This is the 3rd installment of Christmas songs I am rewriting. Unlike the other songs, this one never needed my voice to be enhanced. :o) I do not claim to have a good singing voice and in this case it came in handy.

Warning: This song is a bit sexist at times and has some swearing. If this will offend you, I would advise you to not listen to it.

NOTE - Clicking the Title will open a new window to the "Kingdom of Ken" MySpace page where you can play the song. You may have to choose the song as well as wait a moment for the song to start playing.

Can I Buy You a Drink
(To the tune of "Do You Hear What I Hear")

Hey Bartender, give me another drink will ya? I need to knock some of the edge off of me if I’m gonna pick up some of these hot chicks here… oh God, you’re just a coat rack! This is embarrassing! Oohhh, would you look at the jugs on that redhead over there. I gotta have a talk with her.

Said the drunk man to the hot redhead
Can I buy you a drink?
On this Christmas Eve hot redhead
Can I buy you a drink?
A beer, a beer doesn’t this feel right
I bet you’ll get lucky tonight

You know you’re gonna get lucky tonight. (SLAP) What the, hey where you going, aww who needs ya!

Said the drunk man to the cute brunette
Can I buy you a drink?
On this Christmas Eve cute brunette
Can I buy you a drink?
Hot damn, hot damn, you sure are looking fine
You’ll want me if you have some wine
If that look in your eyes is a sign

You’re gonna want (SLAP) Ahh that hurts! I think I met your sister. Is she a redhead?

Said the drunk man to the sexy blond
Can I buy you a drink?
On this Christmas Eve sexy blond
Can I buy you a drink?
A shot, a shot, of bourbon on the rocks
This next line may be a shock
I‘d love to give you a big (SLAP)

Kiss… I wanna give you a kiss! Whats wrong with that? Son of a bitch that hurts!

Said the drunk man to the biker chick
Can I buy you a drink? .... Oh God I’m getting plastered.
On this Christmas Eve biker chick
Can I buy you a drink?
A smile, a smile, I get from you a sigh
As I slide my hand up a thigh
Oh God, I think you’re a guy

I tell you what. You just stay right there. I’m gonna go look around. I don’t know what’s going on, I mean the putting the sausage down my pants thing just isn’t working. I wonder if maybe I shoulda put it i the front. (SNIFF SNIF) Oh God, my hand smells like sweaty balls. I gotta go wash this.

Santa Claus is Pissed Off and Drunk

This is the 2nd installment of Christmas songs I am rewriting. Whether you like the singing or not, keep in mind it is after it was computer enhanced. :o) I do not claim to have a good singing voice. However it is the words and my friends musical abilities that are to be paid attention to.

NOTE - Clicking the Title will open a new window to the "Kingdom of Ken" MySpace page where you can play the song. You may have to choose the song as well as wait a moment for the song to start playing.

Santa Claus is Pissed Off and Drunk
(To the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")

You better watch out, you better go hide
Lock all your doors I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

If you’re on his hit list, you’ll pay the price
He doesn’t give a damn if you’re naughty or nice
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

He’ll get you while you’re sleeping
You better stay awake
He’ll take out both the bad and good
So run for goodness sake

You better watch out, you better go hide
Lock all your doors I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

He’s been out all night, drinking his rum
Sharpened his knives and loaded his guns
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

He’s on the prowl for children its true
If you don’t get away he’s gonna find you
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

The kids he finds in each land
Will be in misery
He’s gonna string their carcasses
All around the Christmas tree

You better watch out, you better go hide
Lock all your doors I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is pissed off
Santa Claus is pissed off
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

Tin Man - Drawing a Blank

Note: All "Drawing a Blank" cartoons are my own art work and original ideas. The signature of "Sean Myer" is the alias I would use if I am ever published.

"Have a heart Pal."

Green Christmas

Along with demented poems, I have also enjoyed re-writing Christmas songs. Recently my best friend has started creating music for the songs and having me sing them. Let me tell you the original cuts are not good, but thank God for technology. Using a special program, he is able to adjust my singing so that it is in tune as well as in key. After listening to how bad my singing is in the following song, and after you stop laughing at my singing, try to remember that THAT is AFTER he fixed it.

NOTE - Clicking the Title will open a new window to the Kingdom of Ken MySpace page where you can play the song. You may have to wait a moment for the song to start playing.

I'm Dreaming of a Green Christmas

I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
'cause I hate that freaking snow
My feet are so freezing
It's so excruciating
To feel frost bite on my toes

I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
I swear that ice could not be seen
When I feel and ruptured my spleen
So I moved to where the Christmas' are green

"I think you all know what I'm talking about out there. I mean how miserable it makes you feel when your scraping off your car... and when the wind blows and it blows it right back in your face and it goes down your shirt. Tell me you like that! How many car accidents does it create because people don't know how to drive in that crap? How many people die every year because they're shoveling that snow and their hearts cant handle it? And it's all because of that damned snow! Can anyone out there give me just one good thing about snow?"

"What? Snow is good for a lot of good things like skiing, snowboarding, sledding, snow mobiles, snow angels snowmen..."

(BLAM)

"Does anybody else have anything good to say about snow? Anybody? Anybody at all! I didn't think so. I think were good now because snow sucks! I tell you what. The next kid who throws a snowball at me... I'm running him over with my car! I hope your listening to this Mrs. Bigglesworth, because it's your little Billy who's gonna take it next!"


I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
'cause I hate that freaking snow
My feet are so freezing
It's so excruciating
To feel frost bite on my toes

I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
I swear that ice could not be seen
When I feel and ruptured my spleen
So I moved to where the Christmas' are green

Grand Canyon - Drawing a Blank

Note: All "Drawing a Blank" cartoons are my own art work and original ideas. The signature of "Sean Myer" is the alias I would use if I am ever published.

Billy will never forget his one and only visit to the Grand Canyon