Santa Might Die Tonight

This is another installment of Christmas songs I am rewriting. Yes we are back to fixing my voice. :o) I do not claim to have a good singing voice and in this case it came in handy.

NOTE - Clicking the Title will open a new window to the "Kingdom of Ken" MySpace page where you can play the song. You may have to choose the song as well as wait a moment for the song to start playing.

Santa Might Die Tonight
(To the tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus")

Santa: “Ho Ho Ho, How we doing up there Rudolph?”
Rudolph: “Lose some weight! You’re killing us up here fat ass!”
Santa: “Ho Ho Ho, Son of a bitch, I’m out of scotch! Hey Rudolph there’s a 7-Eleven. Let’s hit it before we pass it.”
Rudolph: “Oh my God! I better be paid double time for this fat man!”

Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
He’s Going to fast to land
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
He’s pulling on the reins
Santa’s screaming, I must be dreaming
Its one chaotic sight
Forget your stockings and say your prayers
Cause Santa might die tonight

Santa: “Holy mother of Pearl! We’re coming in too steep! Pull it up Rudolph. Pull it up!”
Rudolph: “I think I pulled something. I can’t lift you. I… Aaaahhhhhhh” (Crash)

I saw Santa Claus
I saw Santa Claus
Crash on Christmas eve
I saw the bag that is filled with toys
Being crushed inside the sleigh
Hear those Reindeer breaking legs
Oh What a horrible sight
Jump in bed, cover up your head
Cause Santa might die tonight

Santa: “Rudolph. Are you okay Rudolph? Are you there?”
Rudolph: “Yea, I think I’m gonna live Santa. I’m okay.”
Santa: “ That… that’s good. Because when I get a hold of you, I’m gonna kill you. You little son of a bitch! You ruined my sleigh! You ruined my sleigh you little son of a bitch, I’m gonna kill you! Ohhh, I can really use that scotch.”

I Fell On My Bum

This is another installment of Christmas songs I am rewriting. Yes we are back to fixing my voice. :o) I do not claim to have a good singing voice and in this case it came in handy.

NOTE - Clicking the Title will open a new window to the "Kingdom of Ken" MySpace page where you can play the song. You may have to choose the song as well as wait a moment for the song to start playing.

I Fell On My Bum
(To the tune of "Little Drummer Boy")

Someone help me
Pa rum bum bum bum
I think I sprained something
Pa rum bum bum bum
While I was shoveling
I fell on my bum
I lay here suffering
From pain in my bum
rum bum bum bum
rum bum bum bum

Someone help me
Pa rum bum bum bum
Call 911

Like a baby
Pa rum bum bum bum
I need a band aid too
Pa rum bum bum bum
I think I skinned my knee
Pa rum bum bum bum
I’m really suffering
From pain in my bum
rum bum bum bum
rum bum bum bum

Kiss the boo boo
Pa rum bum bum bum
On my bum

I saw Billy
Pa rum bum bum bum
Mrs Biggleworths kid
Pa rum bum bum bum
He kick me when I was down
Pa rum bum bum bum
I’d like to beat his ass
But I injured my bum
rum bum bum bum
rum bum bum bum

That brat laughed at me
Pa rum bum bum bum
Me and my bum

"Come on Billy, it’s not funny anymore man. I’m in a lot of pain. What are you doing Billy, aw come on, don’t… don’t you throw that snowball Billy. I will kick your ass…" (Thump) "Aw you son of a bitch! You pull one more stunt like that Billy and I’m gonna pull myself over there, throw you over my knee and beat your little… Billy…Billy what are you doing with that shovel… Billy, put that shovel… Billy" (Clank)

Can I Buy You a Drink

This is the 3rd installment of Christmas songs I am rewriting. Unlike the other songs, this one never needed my voice to be enhanced. :o) I do not claim to have a good singing voice and in this case it came in handy.

Warning: This song is a bit sexist at times and has some swearing. If this will offend you, I would advise you to not listen to it.

NOTE - Clicking the Title will open a new window to the "Kingdom of Ken" MySpace page where you can play the song. You may have to choose the song as well as wait a moment for the song to start playing.

Can I Buy You a Drink
(To the tune of "Do You Hear What I Hear")

Hey Bartender, give me another drink will ya? I need to knock some of the edge off of me if I’m gonna pick up some of these hot chicks here… oh God, you’re just a coat rack! This is embarrassing! Oohhh, would you look at the jugs on that redhead over there. I gotta have a talk with her.

Said the drunk man to the hot redhead
Can I buy you a drink?
On this Christmas Eve hot redhead
Can I buy you a drink?
A beer, a beer doesn’t this feel right
I bet you’ll get lucky tonight

You know you’re gonna get lucky tonight. (SLAP) What the, hey where you going, aww who needs ya!

Said the drunk man to the cute brunette
Can I buy you a drink?
On this Christmas Eve cute brunette
Can I buy you a drink?
Hot damn, hot damn, you sure are looking fine
You’ll want me if you have some wine
If that look in your eyes is a sign

You’re gonna want (SLAP) Ahh that hurts! I think I met your sister. Is she a redhead?

Said the drunk man to the sexy blond
Can I buy you a drink?
On this Christmas Eve sexy blond
Can I buy you a drink?
A shot, a shot, of bourbon on the rocks
This next line may be a shock
I‘d love to give you a big (SLAP)

Kiss… I wanna give you a kiss! Whats wrong with that? Son of a bitch that hurts!

Said the drunk man to the biker chick
Can I buy you a drink? .... Oh God I’m getting plastered.
On this Christmas Eve biker chick
Can I buy you a drink?
A smile, a smile, I get from you a sigh
As I slide my hand up a thigh
Oh God, I think you’re a guy

I tell you what. You just stay right there. I’m gonna go look around. I don’t know what’s going on, I mean the putting the sausage down my pants thing just isn’t working. I wonder if maybe I shoulda put it i the front. (SNIFF SNIF) Oh God, my hand smells like sweaty balls. I gotta go wash this.

Santa Claus is Pissed Off and Drunk

This is the 2nd installment of Christmas songs I am rewriting. Whether you like the singing or not, keep in mind it is after it was computer enhanced. :o) I do not claim to have a good singing voice. However it is the words and my friends musical abilities that are to be paid attention to.

NOTE - Clicking the Title will open a new window to the "Kingdom of Ken" MySpace page where you can play the song. You may have to choose the song as well as wait a moment for the song to start playing.

Santa Claus is Pissed Off and Drunk
(To the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")

You better watch out, you better go hide
Lock all your doors I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

If you’re on his hit list, you’ll pay the price
He doesn’t give a damn if you’re naughty or nice
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

He’ll get you while you’re sleeping
You better stay awake
He’ll take out both the bad and good
So run for goodness sake

You better watch out, you better go hide
Lock all your doors I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

He’s been out all night, drinking his rum
Sharpened his knives and loaded his guns
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

He’s on the prowl for children its true
If you don’t get away he’s gonna find you
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

The kids he finds in each land
Will be in misery
He’s gonna string their carcasses
All around the Christmas tree

You better watch out, you better go hide
Lock all your doors I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is pissed off
Santa Claus is pissed off
Santa Claus is pissed off and drunk

Tin Man - Drawing a Blank

Note: All "Drawing a Blank" cartoons are my own art work and original ideas. The signature of "Sean Myer" is the alias I would use if I am ever published.

"Have a heart Pal."

Green Christmas

Along with demented poems, I have also enjoyed re-writing Christmas songs. Recently my best friend has started creating music for the songs and having me sing them. Let me tell you the original cuts are not good, but thank God for technology. Using a special program, he is able to adjust my singing so that it is in tune as well as in key. After listening to how bad my singing is in the following song, and after you stop laughing at my singing, try to remember that THAT is AFTER he fixed it.

NOTE - Clicking the Title will open a new window to the Kingdom of Ken MySpace page where you can play the song. You may have to wait a moment for the song to start playing.

I'm Dreaming of a Green Christmas

I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
'cause I hate that freaking snow
My feet are so freezing
It's so excruciating
To feel frost bite on my toes

I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
I swear that ice could not be seen
When I feel and ruptured my spleen
So I moved to where the Christmas' are green

"I think you all know what I'm talking about out there. I mean how miserable it makes you feel when your scraping off your car... and when the wind blows and it blows it right back in your face and it goes down your shirt. Tell me you like that! How many car accidents does it create because people don't know how to drive in that crap? How many people die every year because they're shoveling that snow and their hearts cant handle it? And it's all because of that damned snow! Can anyone out there give me just one good thing about snow?"

"What? Snow is good for a lot of good things like skiing, snowboarding, sledding, snow mobiles, snow angels snowmen..."

(BLAM)

"Does anybody else have anything good to say about snow? Anybody? Anybody at all! I didn't think so. I think were good now because snow sucks! I tell you what. The next kid who throws a snowball at me... I'm running him over with my car! I hope your listening to this Mrs. Bigglesworth, because it's your little Billy who's gonna take it next!"


I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
'cause I hate that freaking snow
My feet are so freezing
It's so excruciating
To feel frost bite on my toes

I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
I swear that ice could not be seen
When I feel and ruptured my spleen
So I moved to where the Christmas' are green

Grand Canyon - Drawing a Blank

Note: All "Drawing a Blank" cartoons are my own art work and original ideas. The signature of "Sean Myer" is the alias I would use if I am ever published.

Billy will never forget his one and only visit to the Grand Canyon

Saloon - Drawing a Blank

Note: All "Drawing a Blank" cartoons are my own art work and original ideas. The signature of "Sean Myer" is the alias I would use if I am ever published.

"Whoops! My mistake. Did you ever notice how much a four can look like an ace in this saloon light?"

Vikings - Drawing a Blank - Cartoon

Note: All "Drawing a Blank" cartoons are my own art work and original ideas. The signature of "Sean Myer" is the alias I would use if I am ever published.

"That was 'Eat Drink and be merry!' Not Mary!"

To Kill a Vampire

(I must admit that the story of the following poem was not my idea, but my real father's. He wrote a short story once about this. Many years later and from memory, I re-wrote it to rhyme for a poem.)

The mansion loomed before us, outlined against the sky
Our spines were chilled, and our hearts were filled
With fear of going inside

We had only a short time, before the sky turned gray
When the creature of the night, spreads its wings in flight
in its search for human prey

As we reached the castle's door, my assistant rang the bell
I was filled with fright, my throat went tight
I shouted "What the Hell!"

The last thing I wanted, was to announce that we were there
To sneak into its keep and kill it in its sleep
was enough for me to bare

I smack him upside the head and tell him to open the door
So he opened it wide and stepped inside
To face whatever was in store

So much time had passed by, when we entered into a room
I caught my breath and went as cold as death
For there was Dracula's tomb

A coffin made of stone, all covered in a layer of dust
My knees were shaking, my nerves were breaking
but remove that lid we must

With a glance out the window, a chill went down my spine
The sun was sliding down, barely above the ground
We were running out of time

With a firm grip upon the lid, we lifted with all our might
With all of our strain, it was simple and plain
The cover was holding tight

So I spat upon my hands, to get a better grip
My assistants cries were not a surprise
For I let the stone cover slip

His fingers I saw were trapped, by the heavy lid of stone
I was sick with despair, In God I do swear
I could hear the crushing of his bones

I couldn't lift the heavy stone, There was no other way to choose
My arms around his chest, I put my strength to the test
And pulled until his fingers popped loose

My assistant had passed out cold, and I really needed a rest
I leaned on the lid and the whole thing slid
SO I reached out and pressed

With ease the cover did move, I was almost too scared to look
So I shoved it open wide, and took a peek inside
and found it filled with books

So I ran to the window, and acknowledged my defeat
As the creature of the night, spread its wings in flight
From the house across the street

Cinderella - Drawing a Blank - Cartoon

Note: All "Drawing a Blank" cartoons are my own art work and original ideas. The signature of "Sean Myer" is the alias I would use if I am ever published.

Unfortunately, Cinderella was still in the coach at Midnight.

The Christmas Trap

Twas the Night before Christmas I was up on the roof
Setting up traps for an unsuspecting hoof

When I heard a tiny jingle from off in the night
I knew that Santa would soon be in sight

As I turned to run and hide my feet slipped out
I fell on my ass and let out a big shout

I looked down in horror, in slow motion I watched
as one of those traps slapped shut on my crotch

As pain shot through me in flashes of white
Every felt every muscle spasm and go tight

As I lay on my side, I tried to cry out
The pain was too much, I only passed out

When I came to, I was nauseous and wet
I opened my eyes and broke out in a sweat

Eight freaking reindeer were pulling a big sleigh
And I laid there too weak to get out of the way

It seemed each hoof struck me true
My whole frickin' body was black and blue

For just an instant I thought it was done
Then I realized the runners were yet to come

After they passed, I felt such a relief
There was nothing left to face but my misery and grief

"On Dancer On Prancer", I heard Santa call
Then the snow gave way and I started to fall

Over the side I went and the traps chains went tight
Again the pain shot through me in flashed of white

A little girl was screaming but where she was I could not see
Then I realized it was just an echo, the scream was from me

I swung there like a pendulum hanging by my crotch
The crowd that gathered just stood there and watched

Then off in the distance I could hear Santa Call
"To all a good night and Merry Christmas to all"

Race Horse - Joke #1

Three thoroughbred horses are in their stalls when the first horse pipes up and says, "You know, in ten races, I have won five of them."

Hearing this, the second horse says, "That's pretty good, but after 15 races, I have won ten of them."

Finally the third horse looks over and speaks up. "Both of you are good, but in my twenty races, I have won fifteen of them."

Over in the corner of the stables there is a greyhound dog who has been listening to the horses boast. So not being able to help himself he clears his throat to get their attention and says, "All of you are extremely good, but of my last thirty races, I have won twenty-five of them."

All three horses just stood there with their mouths open in shock at hearing this. Finally recovering himself, the first horse shakes his head and says.... "Oh my God! A talking dog!"

Mafia Fish - Drawing a Blank - Cartoon

Note: All "Drawing a Blank" cartoons are my own art work and original ideas. The signature of "Sean Myer" is the alias I would use if I am ever published.

"Trust me Louie, they'll never find the body."

Firefighter Joke #1

A fireman is outside of the station working on the truck. Looking up he sees a little girl wearing a fireman’s hat in her front yard sitting in a little red wagon. He notices that there are two ladder’s strapped to the sides of the wagon and a garden hose coiled up neatly inside. Then he notices that the wagon has two leashes hooked up to a dog and a cat.

Walking up to the little girl he tells her she has a really nice fire truck to which she smiles and says "thank you".

Then the Fireman looks closer and sees how one leash is tied to the dogs collar and the other leash is tied to the cats testicles. So clearing his throat he says to the little girl, “um.. you know, I’m not one to tell you how to run your truck, but I think if you tied that leash to the cats collar you would go a little faster”.

The little girl looks it over then replies “I suppose you are right, I would go faster. But then I wouldn't have a siren.”

Santa's Last Stop

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

I was fast asleep when there came a loud crash
So I went to the window and I threw open the sash

The sight that I saw really made my day
There were eight bloody reindeer heaped on a sleigh

I laughed so hard all the way to the door
More than once I fell to the floor

It was apparent right away all the deer were dead
So immediately I turned and went to the sled

Again I smiled for there was no cause for alarm
All the presents were safe, out of the way of harm

So I went back inside to warm up in the heat
Then I snatched up a knife to cut up some meat

I was just finished gutting three of the deer
When I heard a faint moan from somewhere near

I flipped over the sleigh and to my surprise
Santa wasn't dead, he was just paralyzed

So I rolled up my sleeve and I showed him my new watch
"I WANTED A ROLEX" I shouted, then I kicked him in the crotch

To this very day his last words ring in my head
He whispered "Please don't bury me, I'm not dead!"

Blond Joke #1

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blond employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrr-gerrrrrr, Kiiiinnnng".

Alien Fly Paper - Drawing a Blank - Cartoon

Note: All "Drawing a Blank" cartoons are my own art work and original ideas. The signature of "Sean Myer" is the alias I would use if I am ever published.
"I told you to slow down before going through, but no, you just had to be Mr. Show-off"!

Acupuncture - Drawing a Blank - Cartoon

Note: All "Drawing a Blank" cartoons are my own art work and original ideas. The signature of "Sean Myer" is the alias I would use if I am ever published.

A good sign your acupuncturist just might be getting bored with his job.

CIA Joke #1

The CIA is considering three women to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first woman comes in and sits down.

"Do you love your husband?" The interviewer asks.
"Yes I do, Sir." The woman replies.
"Do you love your country?"
"Yes I do, Sir."
"What do you love more, your husband or your country?"
"My country, Sir!"
"Okay...your husband is in that other room. Now take this gun and go into the next room and shoot him."
The woman goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. She comes back, all sweaty. She puts down the gun and leaves... she couldn't do it.

The second woman comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks her the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives her a gun, and tells her to go kill her husband. The woman puts the gun down and says, "I can't do it..."

The third woman comes in, same scenario. The interviewer gives her a gun, and tells her to go shoot her husband. The woman goes into the room, and - BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The woman comes out of the room and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at her and says "What the hell happened in there?!?!"

"Well," The woman says, "the gun you gave me was filled with blanks - so I had to beat him with a chair!"

Golf Joke #1

A man comes home from golfing and plops down on the couch just exhausted. Seeing how worn out he is his wife asks him what happened.

The man replies "Jack and I were on the third hole ready to tee off when Jack had a heart attack and died right there on the spot.

"Oh that’s just horrible" his wife replies.

He answers, "You ain't kidding. After that it was hit the ball, drag jack, hit the ball, drag Jack!"

Christmas Catastrophe

A humorous Christmas Poem in the light of "Twas the Night Before Christmas"

Twas the day before Christmas and all through the compound
All the elves were hustling and running around
Trying to pack all the toys on the sleigh
Hoping to get me off and away

When at last it was time, the sleigh was so full
It was almost too much for the reindeer to pull
Then finally we were moving and about to take off
When suddenly Rudolph let out a big cough

His eyes glazed over and his heart seemed to burst
He went down in a tumble and then things got worse
I pulled hard on the reigns but was a little too late
There wasn't a chance to save the other eight

I saw on their faces a look of dismay
As I watched each reindeer pulled under the sleigh
The sounds of bones snapping was all I could hear
The screams and cries of nine tiny reindeer

The elves could do nothing but stand there and stare
As my sleigh flipped up and spun through the air
As luck would have it I was thrown out of the way
But the poor little reindeer were tied to the sleigh

I landed safely but to my despair
There was only a trail of blood, guts and hair
At the end of that trail all there was to see
were eight mutilated reindeer staring back at me

There was Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Comet
The grizzly sight made me turn and vomit
Never in my life have I felt so stupid
As when I realized that I threw up on Cupid

I turned and tripped over the body of Blitzen
and fell face first into the remains of Vixen
Donner was in pieces all over the ground
but that damned Rudolph was nowhere to be found

All of my thoughts became but a blur
My blood and my anger began to stir
I picked up an antler with intentions to kill
and I followed his trail up and over a hill

Then when I found him I couldn't help but to feel sad
Looking at his still carcass I really felt bad
Then I stuck the antler right through Rudolph's head
Just to make sure that bastard was dead

Privacy Policy

Privacy Policy

At The Kingdom of Ken, we recognize that privacy of your personal information is important. Here is what types of personal information we receive and collect when you visit The Kingdom of Ken, and how we safeguard your information. We will never sell or give away your personal information to third parties. (Heck, I wouldn't know how to if I wanted to. And I would never want to.)

Log Files
As with most other websites, we collect and use the data contained in log files. The information in the log files include your IP (internet protocol) address, your ISP (internet service provider, such as AOL or Shaw Cable), the browser you used to visit our site (such as Internet Explorer or Firefox), the time you visited our site and which pages you visited throughout our site.

We verify your IP against blacklists to avoid spam on our blog and forum. If you are using automated means to spam or disrupting service on The Kingdom of Ken we will submit your IP, log in name and any other information we collect to appropriate parties. This may include local authorities or websites tracking spam such as HoneyPotNet, Akismet, and StopForumSpam.

Cookies and Web Beacons
It is possible we may be using Cookies and/or Web Beacons here at The Kingdom of Ken but in all honesty, it is not my intent if so. It would be something that happens beyond my limited Blogging knowledge.

To my understanding, Advertising partners and other third parties may also use cookies, scripts and/or web beacons to track visitors to our site in order to display advertisements and other useful information. Such tracking is done directly by the third parties through their own servers and is subject to their own privacy policies.

You can chose to disable or selectively turn off our cookies or third-party cookies in your browser settings, or by managing preferences in programs such as Norton Internet Security. However, this can affect how you are able to interact with our site as well as other websites. This could include the inability to login to services or programs, such as logging into forums or accounts.